Deep questions to ask your partner, and games that ask them for you

How to ask deep questions without it feeling like an interview

A deep question is only as good as the space around it. Fire ten at someone in a row and it feels like a job interview. Ask one, listen properly and follow it where it goes, and you can talk for an hour. A few things help:

• Answer your own question too. Taking turns keeps it a conversation, not a test.
• Ask a follow-up before a new question. “What was that like?” is often better than anything on a list.
• Let either of you pass. A question you skip today might be the one you come back to next month.
• Do not argue with an answer. If something surprises you, get curious, not defensive.
• Pick a good moment. A walk, a long drive or a slow dinner works better than five minutes before bed.

Deep questions to ask your boyfriend or girlfriend about the past

1. What is a memory from childhood that still feels completely clear?
2. Who was the adult you trusted most growing up, and why them?
3. What did your family never talk about?
4. What is something you were proud of as a kid that nobody noticed?
5. When did you first feel like a grown-up?
6. What is a mistake that changed you for the better?
7. What were you most afraid of at fifteen?
8. Which friendship ending hurt the most?
9. What is a rule from your house growing up that you still follow?
10. What is a rule you have deliberately broken?
11. What year of your life would you not want to repeat?
12. What did you need to hear more often when you were younger?

Questions about who they are now

1. What is something you are quietly working on in yourself?
2. When do you feel most like yourself?
3. What drains you that most people would not guess?
4. What is a compliment you have never forgotten?
5. What do you wish people asked you about more?
6. What are you better at than you let on?
7. What do you do when you feel overwhelmed?
8. What belief have you changed your mind about in the last few years?
9. What does a really good day look like for you, from start to finish?
10. Who do you go to when something goes wrong, apart from me?
11. What is something you are still a little bit embarrassed to want?
12. What would you do with a free year, if money did not matter?

Questions for couples about the relationship

These are the ones to save for a calm moment. They are not a way to start an argument; they are a way to stop one before it starts.

1. When did you first feel properly at home with me?
2. What is something I do that makes you feel looked after?
3. Is there something I do that you have stopped mentioning but still notice?
4. When we disagree, what do you need from me in the moment?
5. What is the kindest thing I have ever said to you?
6. Which of our habits do you hope we never lose?
7. What is something you want to try together that we have not yet?
8. When do you feel closest to me: talking, doing something together or just being in the same room?
9. What is one thing you would like us to get better at?
10. What do you think other people get wrong about us?
11. Is there a moment in our relationship you would happily live again?
12. How do you like to be cared for when you are ill or stressed?

If the last question lands, try Love Languages: you guess how your partner would want to be loved, and see whether you were right.

Questions about the future

1. Where do you picture yourself living in ten years, and what does the street look like?
2. What does “enough” look like for you: money, work, time?
3. What tradition do you want to start, rather than inherit?
4. What is one thing you want to have done before you are fifty?
5. How do you want our weekends to look in five years?
6. What worries you about the future that you do not often say?
7. What would make you proud of us, looking back?
8. What is a dream you have given up on, and would you pick it back up?

Future Us asks the big questions about your future and shows you whether you want the same thing. It is a gentler way in than asking straight out.

Lighter questions for when it gets heavy

Deep talks need a way back up. Keep a few of these ready for when you both need to laugh:

• What is a food you pretend to like?
• What is the most useless skill you have?
• If we had a theme song, what would it be?
• Which of my habits would you keep if you could swap bodies with me for a day?
• What is the worst gift you have ever received, and did you say thank you?
• Which film do you secretly know every line of?

Couples games that ask the questions for you

Lists are useful, but there is a reason people prefer a game: nobody has to be the one who asks first. On Letternerd, both of you answer on your own phones, so the question comes from the game, not from you.

• The Deep End: questions that skip the small talk. Answer out loud, then listen to theirs.
• Future Us: the big questions about your future, to see if you want the same thing.
• Know Your Person: they answer about themselves, and you predict what they said.
• The Night We Met: tell your version of the story out loud and hear how differently you remember it.
• Dealbreakers: could you live with it, or is it over? Find out where your lines are.
• How to argue without ruining it: a short quiz on which habits help couples through an argument, based on the research.

• The Deep End2–8 players · 16 minQuestions that skip the small talk. Answer out loud, then listen to theirs.
• Future Us2–8 players · 9 minThe big questions about your future. Do you want the same thing?
• Know Your Person2–6 players · 10 minThey answer about themselves. You predict what they said.
• The Night We Met2–8 players · 14 minTell your version of the story out loud. Hear how differently you remember it.
• Dealbreakers2–8 players · 8 minCould you live with it, or is it over? Find out where your lines are.
• Love Languages2–6 players · 9 minHow do they want to be loved? Guess what they would choose.

How to play The Deep End with your partner

1. Open The Deep End and host a room.
2. Send your partner the link, or show them the QR code if you are sitting together. They join in their browser as a guest.
3. A question appears for both of you. Answer it out loud, then listen to theirs.
4. Talk about the answers before you move on. That is where the game really happens.

Play the games from this post

Free in your browser. Share the room code and everyone joins from their own phone, no signup.

• The Deep End2–8 players · 16 minQuestions that skip the small talk. Answer out loud, then listen to theirs.
• Future Us2–8 players · 9 minThe big questions about your future. Do you want the same thing?
• Know Your Person2–6 players · 10 minThey answer about themselves. You predict what they said.
• Love Languages2–6 players · 9 minHow do they want to be loved? Guess what they would choose.
• The Night We Met2–8 players · 14 minTell your version of the story out loud. Hear how differently you remember it.
• Dealbreakers2–8 players · 8 minCould you live with it, or is it over? Find out where your lines are.
• Sweet Talk2–8 players · 10 minFinish the sentence about each other, out loud. The best line takes the round.
• How to argue without ruining it1–12 players · 5 minEvery couple argues. The research is clear about which habits end relationships and which ones save them.

More games like these

• Games for couples
• Relationship and dating quizzes
• Games for new relationships